Quiet Wishes: Mai K Derwish

Assalamualaikum..

Last night I turned in to bed quite early; 10.05 pm. I woke up at 1.28 am sweating and crying. I dreamed of the end of this world, the Qiamat. It was so scary. So real. I felt like dying. The sky was very clear, so blue, in that dream. Somehow someone pointed out that the sun had risen from the west. And then something happened, I couldn't remember. What I didn't forget is how I woke up with a start, then I cried. And then I turned on the radio, someone was reciting the Holy Quran, so soothing and peaceful that it put me to bed.

This was not the first time I dreamed something similar to that. There was this one time I had a nightmare that I was sentenced to death. I was going to be hanged. It was so real. I thought it was true. But I think I'm glad I have all these dreams. They keep me sane. I mean, as a muslim, these dreams made me realize who I am, I cannot be arrogant for I have no power nor control on my life. Anytime, anywhere, Allah can call me back.. then I die.

Anyway, I am still alive. Alhamdulillah. The Qiamat hasn't arrived yet. Life has to go on..
Two weeks ago I sit for the TOEFL. I haven't received the official score yet, but my range is 227 to 270. (out of 300) .Not bad. Not bad at all. The seniors said don't even think about repeating it. But there are so many who gets more than me. I was a bit dissapointed, but I believe I've tried my best.

Swimming lesson has getting more interesting now that I've grasp the basic of swimming. I can do freestyle and the whip kick one now... and many types of floating. This evening I'll go practice with my friends. I've never imagine myself swimming before. I'm glad I have this opportunity.

Classes are getting more boring but at the same time, fun! Although there are a lot of homework and the schedule is packed, but I can still tolerate to those. No pressure. This programme suits me. It's different from matriculation. Way different. I'm glad I 'cabut' matriculation.

SAT is just 3 weeks away. There are sets of words to be memorize. The vocabulary list is full with bombastic words. I'm afraid I may not remember them all. At least I try.

Fine, I don't know what else to say.

Early in the morning...

This laptop is getting slower and slower. The reason: I installed so many programmes. Even AutoCAD; I'm sure I'll never use it, but my big bro demanded it to be installed, in case he wants to use my computer. Hah! very unlikely. I'm getting paranoid of installing so many things after the house's pc crashed so many times. My laptop is not really slow, but slower than when I used it for the first time. DUH. I'm just a little bit afraid. Haha. Anyway, it is still decently fast. Paranoid me...

I realized that I've kinda left the 'IT' world. I'm afraid I've forgotten most of html and photoshop. Not only that, I haven't draw a decent drawing for a very very long time. Presently, I just scribble and scribble. Haaaa.. this blog needs new face. Poor bloggy. I don't know when I will be able to really 'come back'. My programme's schedule is really packed; I've written about it before.

Oh yea, I forgot. Now I'm at home. Enjoying my last day of holiday. Actually I got a week break, but for all week I didn't have the right mood or maybe forgot or pretended to forget to blog. Sorry. Not that anyone will care. *cry*. I don't want to go back to Uni. My TOEFL is on this Wednesday. I'm not well-prepared. But after all the exercises I've done in classes, I think I can receive decent marks for it. Haven't I told you, I've successfully written 2 band 5 essays! (out of band 6) I'm so happy I'm improving.

Did my english improve, at all?? I cannot tell. Heh. maybe not. At least when I write essays, I'm careful not to make any mistakes. But not when I blog.

I don't know, I think I've changed. Or maybe this is my real self. I don't know. Do I have to admit that I'm still not used to this surrounding? that I miss the 'old' surrounding better? I don't know. When I was in high school, I was so distressed that I didn't want to stay there any longer... but...*sigh~

Maybe I just miss my friends. They all are different. Very different.

Nowadays, if I want to have a good cry, I'll watch Windstruck. It will trigger my tears to come out. Haha. It really works. Try it! Good thing I have this laptop. I can watch it whenever I feel like watching it.

Hmm, I really have to 'create' new dreams. No more computer engineer, no more 'house-wife-after-graduate'. No more stay /getting married/ let my kids grow overseas. No more director/script writer. No more everything that I dreamt of before. I don't regret this. Just.. I need something new.

I believe Allah has planned this for me, for He knows me best. I accept this as fate and I'll work hard to achieve success in anything I do.

Did I ever write about how I really want to create a touching movie? better than Windstruck. better than Girl,Interrupted, better than A Beautiful Mind, better than A Moment To Remember, better than A Walk to Remember, better than any other touching movies available. At least write about it.. a novel maybe. But I don't have the talent. I always imagine certain scenes in my mind, but can never put them together into words. But I will try..

This post is getting really random and unfocused. But I enjoy typing it. Sorry. I just feel like blurt everything out. I feel something trapped.

I've done things that I shouldn't have done. Guilty.

I've kept too many feeling, too many thinking to myself, many people don't realize that. I can act well,.. I never knew that until I noticed my friend didn't realize I hated her so much. I can hide when I am in pain, except migraine and pms. Haha.

Oh, I realized.. it's 1.42 am! hence the randomness. I am tired maybe. Haha. Perhaps I should stop... afraid of revealing too much! aiya!!

Mai out..